Non-edible School Lunch Report.

Regretfully Nutritious

   I really don’t want to type anything like this. Nor do I want to have anything “nutritious” for lunch. The “chefs” do a bad enough job of cooking anything in our school, and taking all the fat out of it would make it even worse. But, if I want to keep my A in this class, then I’m completely obliged to do so, thus distracting me from my primary goal of writing a book at home and still keeping my grade in this gods forsaken class. And I can already tell that this “persuasive” essay is not going to be very convincing.

   Alright, let’s get this over with. If… <sigh>… I can’t do this. Where’s my stunt double?!.............. I guess I don’t have much of a choice. Okay. Fine. I see how this is going to turn out. If the menu at our schools is healthier, then kids won’t have to worry about getting so d - - - fat. Look at K - - - - (name and address withheld)! (Gender withheld)’s freakin’ huge! And I don’t see that happening to any other kid in the school, so it must not have anything to do with cafeteria food, right? I think that it really has something to do with the parents not watching what they’re kids are doing. If you want your kid to look better, then maybe it’s time for you to notice that McDonald’s serves salads now. And they don’t have as much fat, right? Hold up, my adviser’s coming……………….What do you mean he fell off a cliff? He’s a stunt double!............... And this is supposed to be promoting nutrition?!....... That’s just stupid. Whose idea was this, anyway? Mr. Jerman’s??? Doesn’t he get paid for something besides yelling at kids that are smaller than him?

   Well, as there’s no denying the inevitable, I might as well get on with it, eh Chico? Alrighty then, if people actually watched what their kids eat, maybe they wouldn’t be so freakin…. Sorry…. Then they wouldn’t be as… morbidly obese. Things would be so much better for the world and other wussy stuff like that. What am I saying? I need to get back on my mean streak. Oooooh, I know! Ya know what we need more of? Nausea, heartburn, indigestion; upset stomach, diarrhea. Yay Pepto Bismol! That’s what this world needs more of. The smooth pink stuff. Maybe people would stop complaining right before they croak. Then I’d get some peace in my life. I really don’t think that schools budgets got better just because schools switched to “healthier diets”. Maybe, the students didn’t have much of a choice? Did you ever think of that, bi - - -?

   Hey look. The Master of Guns got back from his trip! Did you bring me that AK47 I asked for? You did? Perfect… Maybe now you people will listen to what I have to say. Either you switch to a healthier diet that will just about pi - - every conceivable kid off, or you keep your dignity intact and keep our delicious, totally- not- your –fault “unhealthy” diets to us, not you communistic usurpers. I’d type another essay about that, but I’m on a rather tight schedule. I’d type an essay about that, too, but, again, I’m on a tight schedule. You catchin’ my drift?

   Here, let me show you this conveniently placed circle diagram to show you the consequences of your actions:


   Do you see what I mean? Pretty soon, every school will be changing its menu constantly, until finally, “Mystery Meat Friday” will have a totally new meaning. So, if you actually want to find out what the apocalypse is going to be like, go right on ahead. I’m not gonna stop you. I will highly discourage it, because if I end up ruling the world after the apocalypse, I’ll let the lowly peasants rip you to shreds for cursing them with such a miserable existence. So, I repeat. It’s the parents’ fault that their kids are so freakin’ huge, not the schools. If they actually cared about their kids, then they wouldn’t be in their current state, right? So, I don’t know how I’m supposed to promote a diet change if I don’t agree on a single thing the bloody story brought up.

   To close this extremely redundant and rather annoying essay about “good nutrition” and “better diets” I’d like to say thank you, and remember drugs are bad, m’kay? And so is voodoo. I wonder, if I concentrated hard enough on this little voodoo doll here………. Heh heh heh. Please. I don’t believe in voodoo………….. But I do believe in my AK47!

The End

P.S. I'm not serious about the AK47